Felice Navida

Tonight I went out and had a great night with 'the girls'. Last night was my BFF Birthday and I was so sick I had to leave half way through the meal. There is no rhyme or reason to this bullshit. When you get sick, you get SICK. And I tried to struggle through, but to no avail.

For the first hour that I was at the Birthday dinner I had NO IDEA what anyone was saying. It is a bizzare and scary feeling. You pretend, because you don't want to miss out on all the fun. But I'm not going to kid you, I knew I shouldn't have gone.

I wanted to go, but I knew I was too sick to go. So you go anyway...

Hoping that I would come good.

I didn't.

I even told BFF that I didn't have her Birthday prezzie with me, until she said "really?" and we both realized it was in my hand...

My brain is fried.

When the BFF/Birthday girl turns to you and says "you REALLY should go home", you give up the ghost and sneak out.

I 'back-doored' it, because it is easier than announcing to a group of 18pax, why you have to leave. It is boring, dull, embarrassing and a constant reminder that you are sick.

Today I spent the entire day on the lounge and started to come good around 6pm.

Phone calls were recieved, and I decided I felt fine and headed out.

Drinks/laughs/dinner with 'the girls' ensued.

We ended up in a bar. We know the owner, and it was full of laughs and cute boys.

A 'chap' wandered up and we started chatting. All was looking good. There was mutual flirting and the night was progressing the way any single girl would want it to. And then some DOUCHE walked up and said "So, you have cancer??"

I tried to dismiss the DOUCHE, but the damage was done. Suddenly it was like a blind had been pulled down across single-dudes eyes. He said "really? Do you?" With no where to retreat I said "Yeah".

You cannot escape this FUCKER which ever way you try. Wigs, scarves, fucking brown paper bags... It always seems to catch up with you.

I'm not looking to start a new relationship. Far from it. But a cute guy flirting with you just makes you feel good. We all know this feeling.

Then suddenly I was the latest 'freak-show' and EVERYONE had questions. I don't do questions. They bore me. But oddly enough as word spread, a chap came up to me and showed me his scar and said that he was 6 years in recovery from stomach cancer. He was a cool and fun dude (and just quietly I hope my girlfriend is at home shagging him right now!!!) He also had a story to tell me.

He asked how my friends were handling this. He said other than family and friends that he had had for 20 years prior, he no longer had the friends that knew him pre-cancer. He said that people had dropped away and had not understood;

*The need to go out and get shitfaced occasionally without judgement
*Not realized that you get RADIOACTIVE crap pumped into your body weekly. A few wines don't hurt
*They had their own issues and could not cope, long term, with what he went through
*The hard boring slog that treatment is
*The fact that he was no longer the 'party child' that he had been before
*Everyone expected him to be sitting at home waiting for treatment to finish, and available to them when they had spare time
*With no hair, and the steroid weight gain, he looked like a chick

It kinda shocked me, because I have certainly felt all of these emotions to a varing degree. As I have ALWAYS maintained;

*I am still the obnoxious ratbag I was before this started
*I will beat this
*I will do the best I can
*With the steroid weight gain and no hair I look like a dude
*And most importantly, that this is a marathon, not a sprint. I have said this from day one.

I live with this crap 24/7. It NEVER leaves my mind. I have no choice. Some days I am sick, some days I am not. I cannot predict when or how this will manifest itself. I REALLY wish I could. I constantly feel like I am letting people down. I'm just doing the very best I can. For me.

Selfish existance? Hell yeah

By choice? Fuck no.

On the upside, for the first time in my life. EVER. I knew when it was time to leave the bar and catch a cab home. Alone.

So clearly some good has come from all of this ;-) And as of so far... No late night phone calls or texts. Jeeze...I MUST be growing up :-p